Is Tough Love Appropriate?

February 5, 2014

Is Tough Love Appropriate?

Yesterday, Sheryl Underwood of “The Talk,” spoke of her struggles with tough love.  She had lost her husband to addiction and detailed their attempts to overcome his dependency.  Her emotionally charged conversation with her fellow hosts moved us all.  She felt that you shouldn’t abandon a person in crisis. 

Philip Seymour Hoffman’s girlfriend, Mimi O’Donnell, had separated from him before his death, taking their children with her.  Ms. O’Donnell made the appropriate decision for her and her children for a number of reasons.  First, you simply can’t have children in an environment where there is drug paraphernalia about.  Second, Hoffman was purchasing illegal substances from dealers.  These people aren’t choir boys.  They are dangerous.  Third, by leaving she set boundaries.  Hoffman had to know that there were consequences for his actions.  Her leaving should have been a wakeup call.  Fourth, addicts often drag down their loved ones with them.  O’Donnell had to put her own well-being and that of her children’s first.  The environment was unhealthy.  Finally, the children shouldn’t have to witness the self-destruction of their father.  Thank God, they weren’t the ones to find him.  Ms. O’Donnell was the one person who truly knew how bad it was.  Only she could decide the appropriate course of action.

I sympathize with Sheryl.  You don’t stop loving someone when they are in the throes of addiction and you shouldn’t.  However, if the desire for change doesn’t come from within individual, there are steps that must be taken.  Tough love is one of them.

Intervention is one of the steps.  Family members confront the individual in an attempt to make them understand the affect their addiction is having on themselves and others.  When this doesn’t work, the person has to understand that there are consequences for his actions, that although you love them and support them in their attempts to become clean and sober, you won’t be an accomplice.  You won’t stand by and watch them kill themselves.

Sheryl did the best she could under the circumstances.  She deserves our love and support.  So does Mimi O’Donnell and her children.  No one should experience the tragic losses that they did.  Both women have my sympathy.

Philip Seymour Hoffman

February 4, 2014

Philip Seymour Hoffman

Philip Seymour Hoffman was an incredible actor.  He was well respected and never made the tabloids.   So his death came as a shock.  The circumstances of his death are fairly obvious.  He was discovered with a needle in his arm.  Forty-nine bags of heroin, plus prescription drugs were found in his home.

His death made the headlines, because he is a celebrity.  Heroin abuse is rampant in this country and heroin related deaths are stacking up like cord wood.  A friend lost a nephew to a heroin overdose.  His death didn't make the news, but is just as tragic.  The collateral damage is extensive.  We are all affected by it.

Celebrity deaths bring attention to the problem, but then it is quickly forgotten.  At what point do we say, “No more?”

The war on drugs has been a colossal failure.  So what is the solution?  I don’t have the answers.  It is obvious no one else does either.  We feel helpless.  We are frustrated.  We are angry. We demand action and nothing happens.

Perhaps we shouldn’t focus on the drugs and their availability, but on why people are using them.  People self-medicate.  They may use alcohol or recreational drugs to relieve emotional issues, unaware they have a problem.  Drug deaths, school shootings and the widespread violence we see every day illustrates that this country has serious mental health issues. 

Why?  It is possible that the technological age we live in has something to do with it.  We don’t interact with each other anymore; people may feel lost and disconnected as a result.  The mentally ill might not recognize they have a problem or they may fear stigmatization.  As a society, we need to reach out to them and provide them with a safe environment where they can receive help.  The financial cost is prohibitive, but the cost of not doing anything is far higher.

Don’t misunderstand me; we still need to go after the drug pushers and their suppliers.  The problem is multifold and as such, should be approached from many directions. 

Philip Seymour Hoffman’s family and friends have my sympathy.  So does everyone that has been touched by this epidemic.  I am praying his death brings about change.